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IKEA WARS

 
Ross Anthony Review by Ross Anthony 4 Published: 28 Aug 2025 Gilded Balloon Patter House Show Dates: 30 Jul 2025-25 Aug 2025

Anyone who has ever built flatpack furniture solo – or, worse, with a partner – will tell you it is no easy feat. It is not something to undertake quickly or while trying to be funny. Certainly not while your neighbour is trying to sabotage your efforts. This is what makes IKEA Wars work: it presents perhaps the worst-case scenario for home furniture construction and tells contestants to have at it.

Bullock’s act feels like a well-screwed-together cabinet: there is very little rattle or looseness in its construction

There is no IKEA in New Zealand – which perhaps makes it a little odd that a Kiwi hosts IKEA Wars. Regardless, Kieran Bullock leads the audience with ease, keeping us engaged in the project while also delivering quality standup. His act feels like a well-screwed-together cabinet: there is very little rattle or looseness in its construction. He also seems to know the kind of audience he will draw – from those who have no idea what they’ve wandered into for late-night entertainment to neurodivergents who are here for the love of the game and have big feelings about screw organisation. Falling into the latter category, I was rapt from the start.

IKEA Wars boils down to two contestants building a RASTOG wheelie storage unit while undercutting each other with sabotages. These range from ten seconds of wreaking havoc on the other’s construction to forcing an opponent to be a T-rex for four minutes. While the latter stricken contestant was keen to have normal arm usage back, I think he enjoyed being a dino – the mask stayed on and only seemed to empower him.

The crowd also knew exactly how to get involved. The space is perhaps not ideal for this sort of conflict – those at the back couldn’t fully see once construction was underway – but a huddle soon formed. It had the energy usually reserved for when someone has gubbed their car in a public spot, or when men have opinions about how charred meat should be at a barbecue. I was especially entertained during one sabotage when the crowd broke into urgent chanting of “Hide the wheels! Hide the wheels!”

This was my last show of the Fringe, and I was glad it was a little niche and out there. Bullock was running his own tech, the two flatpacks looked like they’d been through hell, and the crowd were thoroughly entertained. If nothing else, it was a lovely way to close Fringe with a call to support local artists once everyone goes home after the festival. If you can’t be charmed by that – and by a guy in a dino mask “Grargh!”ing as he wields an allen key before a chanting crowd – then I think you’re at the wrong arts festival.

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The Blurb:

It's time to enter the flat pack thunderdome! Two Fringe performers go head-to-head in the ultimate home improvement indignity – building IKEA furniture. The challenge is simple: build the piece of furniture before your opponent does. Is it a race? Yes! Is it a game show? Also, yes! A plethora of chaotic sabotages are on hand to ensure that the road to glory is paved with pitfalls! Build the furniture. Survive the sabotages. Be crowned the Champion of Sweden!* *title not officially recognised by the Swedish government. Let's build!