As the producers of the recently abandoned Spice Girls: Viva Forever on stage can surely testify, crafting a perfect musical takes more than placing some catchy tunes amongst a threadbare narrative. It requires strong and reliable characters within a gripping plot to distract the audience from the absurd premise of people breaking into song to express their glee or sorrow. Set on a cruise ship during a science fiction convention, Cruising appears to have a premise that holds plenty to sing and dance about.
Penelope Conway is a washed-up has-been actress who was once the star of a cult TV show. She’s on the ship with her new husband whom she met through an arranged marriage to boost her fledging career prospects. A young couple are also aboard and are desperate to conceive a baby. When the four protagonists cross paths, everyone is in for more than they bargained for.
It’s difficult to know where to begin with this haphazard and slapdash piece. From its camp and whimsical outset, it’s fairly easy to both guess where the plot is going and ascertain the causes of the characters’ strained relationships. This may be permissible in this context, but these two-dimensional caricatures are so obnoxious, clichéd or just plain dull that I soon found myself wishing for an iceberg to bring about their premature demise. I simply didn’t care about any of these individuals and the hour I spent in their company could not have been over sooner.
Unfortunately, the narrative is equally weak and does little to compensate. An attempted murder plot appears and disappears within a scene and is swiftly forgotten about by all concerned. The piece incessantly ponders on Penelope’s background and the mechanics of her TV show; this is a time-consuming irrelevance as the convention aspect of the plot is inconsequential. These issues are accentuated by a hundred other plot holes big enough to sink said ship. Why does OAP Penelope think that a marriage will help boost her non-starter career? How are people able to just walk onto each other’s balconies? Throughout, Cruising feels like a student essay hurriedly prepared the night before hand-in day.
That being said, there are a few laughs to be found along the way. Unfortunately, the humour was found in the failed attempts at emotional earnestness through the histrionic musical numbers. The sudden tonal shifts from the fluffy and substantially skeletal dialogue to supposedly deep and reflective torch songs were awkward and embarrassing.
Delivered through singing voices that wouldn’t ‘make it through to Boot Camp’, these musical maladies are particularly evident in scenes towards the end of the piece. Here, a real life tragedy is callously shoehorned into the storyline in a pathetic attempt to provide a profound resolution. Aghast and horrified, one character squawks “Is it even real, what I’m seeing in front of me?”. They took the words right out of my mouth.
Swerving uncomfortably from kitsch ostentatiousness to self-reflective transcendentalism, Cruising attempts to be a breezy folly but provides a lingering headache. Jump overboard before it’s too late.
