Patrick Turpin: A Performers Guide to Romance at the Fringe

Thinking of getting some leg-over whilst in the Scottish capital? Funny man Patrick Turpin is here with a four-step programme to ensure you get the right release.

Avoid getting yourself halfway through your month-long mating ritual only to discover that they're God's gift to shit acting.

A fruity arts festival in a spooky haunted dungeon-city... what could be more romantic?

For many members of the UK's post-pubescent cultural community, the heady-mix of monsoon rains, flyering, and outdoor bars produces a lot more than just a ruddy pulp (although ironically, 'ruddy pulp' is what I've been calling sex recently).

FACT IS - the festival is an undeniably sexy time. A small city choc-a-cock full of hormonal young adults trying to make head-or-tail of each other's heads and tails - of course things are going to get spicy.

Be front-footed this year, nail your Fringe Romance prep nice and early, and you may just find yourself at the end of the festival, atop The Love Bump (rejected names for Arthur's Seat - #4), bitten by the love bug, nursing your worn-out love genitals.

Here is my quasiquintessential guide to Romance at the Fringe...

1. Bunk up before you funk up...

Plutonic bed-sharing is a Fringe-dynamic as old as time. In 2009, an entire circus troupe ( Cirque du Sensuous) were rumoured to be sharing just one 2-birth pop-up tent between all 27 of them. And when you're looking for a private space to tickle the darling buds of your new courtship, navigating around a room mate can be the ultimate buzz-kill.

Nothing drastic required here, you just need to come to an understanding in advance. Sock on the door knob. 'Work-in-Progress' sign erected. Erection sign 'work-in-progressed'. It doesn't matter. Just have a chat with your roomie, devise a system, and stick to it.

2. Pluck from the firmament before your fuck turns permanent...

The festival has an open-door artistic policy. That means there's a real cess-pool of 'bad kak' (the opposite of 'good shit', FYI) show-wise. There's no judgement here, failure breeds success. What I'm saying is, when you've got a potential dance-partner firmly in the cross-hairs, go and watch their show early-doors.

It's crucial that you avoid getting yourself halfway through your month-long mating ritual, like a pair of rutting stags, only to discover that they're God's gift to shit acting. You'll find them less attractive, you'll have to lie to their face, and you'll have wasted a lot of time.

If you can't bring yourself to watch their show, just ask them for their average star-rating when you first meet... works every time.

3. Nook a cranny before you snag a manny...

You're in Edinburgh for a whole month, spread your wings and get to know the city! During your downtime be adventurous - seek out that romantic little cocktail bar no one knows about, that seductive independent fudge shop that's got the locals' lips smacking.

Yes yes, the venue bars are a comfort, but imagine how impressed your date will be when you take them shortbread-tasting, or manage to convince them you're actually into the Edinburgh Book Festival.

4. Whack yourself before you distract yourself...

Remember why you are here! You've worked hard on your show, and now it's time to stay hydrated, get the right amount of sleep, and give audiences the best account of your piggy-self that you possibly can. It's not the time to get distracted staying up to 5am trying to woo Bill Sykes from that production of Oliver Twist set in Nazi Germany (a sort of 'Goebbels' figure).

If that means staying in the flat for a few evenings and indulging in some 'personal fun' (aka - 'tossing the caber', 'tapping into private resources', 'popping the Gilded Balloon', 'milking the giant purple cow', 'coming to terms with the ruthless economics of the fringe', etc.) THEN SO BE IT!

You'll wank yourself in the short-term, thank yourself in the long-term, and keep your eyes fully on the prize (the prize in this case, being your own private parts).

Good luck following these four steps, have a great festival, and keep it safe and sexy...

Patrick appears at the Edinburgh Fringe 2016 in PATRICK TURPIN: TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT

Venue: Sneaky Pete’s (Venue 437)

Dates: 6th to 27th August 2016 (not 15th)

Time: 6.15pm (7.15pm)

Box office: 0131 556 6550