Here we are in sunny Sarajevo for the greatest, gaudiest and most glorious celebration of dodgy Europop that we call Eurovision - well almost. For anyone who has ever wanted to experience the worldwide global television phenomenon up close and personal then this is the show for you. Grab your clackers, blow your (air) horn and wave that flag (all provided) and turn on your mobile phone (for voting) as we embark on the cheesiest and breeziest hour of entertainment you're likely to find in Edinburgh: it's Eurobeat - Almost Eurovision, Sarajevo!
Our hosts Boyka, former Olympic pole vaulter and Sergei, superstar of Bosnian-Herzegovinian children's breakfast TV, through their wonderful mangling of the English language, ably guide us through the smorgasbord of entries which include:
Poland, with incomprehensible lyrics and men in suits who strip to their sparkly underpants by the end of the song; Italy, who are represented by an operatic-rap/60's pop mishmash; The UK, tone deaf, choreographically challenged 80's double-denim nightmare pair who exchange hateful glances at each other while singing about love; The Russian's, The KG Boyz - a snowy white shell suit clad boy band with questionable moves; and Hungary, a quintet of quite frankly, scary faced young peasant maidens who bring us a delightful folk ditty about gutting chickens, as well as many more.
When the final song has been sung we're invited to get out our mobile phones and text vote for our favourites and in true Eurovision style we're treated to a Bosnian-Herzegovinian spectacular from our hosts as we wait for the results to come in.
It's impossible not to love this; the chance to let out your inner child, wave those flags and clack your clackers 'til you can clack them no more is utterly irresistible. The teenage cast pull the whole thing off with an energy, enthusiasm and sense of irony that belies their years. Go along and join in the celebration of all that is wonderfully wrong (and gloriously right) with the Eurovision Song Contest, even better than the real thing.
